


It Ain't Me

by FictionalPeony



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Accidents Happen, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 13:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14717070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictionalPeony/pseuds/FictionalPeony
Summary: To my dearest Victor. My presence is never a measure of my love for you. It is unbound to such physical things. I am always with you.





	It Ain't Me

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea from the music video of Selena Gomez's It Ain't Me.  
> So I never spell checked nor edited this but I'll do that later anyway...
> 
> So I recommend watching that and listening to it while reading this.
> 
> and as well as Florence+ The Machine's 
> 
> Sky Full of Song and Never Let Me Go 
> 
> all the feels while writing this was inspired by those three songs... well most of them lmao I hope you guys enjoy this little drabble

At first there was laughter. With Yuuri Katsuki with his husband Victor Nikiforov driving a car heading to Yuuri’s surprise birthday dinner speeding through a two-way tunnel.

 

 

Yuuri thought they were only going out to meet Phichit for dinner. Unknowing that Yuri and the others had flown with the request of Victor to be there for Yuuri’s surprise birthday celebration.

 

 

Stealing glances and mischievous grins of what was then Victor making a joke of some sort with each of their hands joined; wedding rings gleaming in the lamp light as they speed ahead.

 

Snow had just begun to fall on the early evening of late November. The first snowfall of the season marking it as the start of winter and the end of autumn. The change in the weather and environment makes the two men both giddy of excitement. After all, it was in this season where rivers and lakes start to freeze up, parks and other free lots become skating rinks. A season of love. Staying under layers of blankets, with firewood in a blaze with the snow pouring outside and just them cuddling through the heavy winter.

 

 

Besides the point of spooning and staying indoors, skating was also in fact an activity for them to relish and remember of. It was after all, one of the biggest reasons why they met and was also a common thing between the two of them.

 

 

For Victor, Yuuri was the most important person he could ever have and hold. If it weren’t for Yuuri, his life of gold and glory would be something he’d be suffocating on. Too much fame, and fake smiles and just being alone to face it all, this was something Victor never wanted nor ever wished for someone else and yet… it had begun to be a routine that made anyone in his place be as lonesome and fall into a dark hole where a few years ago, would’ve thought he could never get out of.

 

 

Thankful.

 

 

Blessed.

 

 

Loved.

 

 

Happy.

 

 

Finally.

 

 

These were the words that Victor would say if anyone asked how he was. A big comparison from years before. But things don’t go as easy as this without a price. It was Victor always thought. There would always be some sort of price for having Yuuri. And sometimes, it kept Victor awake and most of the time would cling to Yuuri just to assure himself that it was real, that this was the happily ever after he had hoped for.

 

 

 

 

 

But.

 

There were always variables and what-ifs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Problems and things in the way that no one would’ve thought of coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then it happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was around the early evenings of Tuesday when a split second was the most important thing that happened to the both of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then Victor woke up.

 

_…._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phichit knew that his best friend’s husband was if a little too much, as he might think extra. And when it comes to parties, he knew they’d arrive a bit late than usual even for Yuuri’s suprise birthday dinner as to be expected of none other than Victor Nikiforov. But with each passing moment the clock ticking into eight thirty pm where the dinner was to start at seven thirty, Phichit can’t help but think that something might be wrong. No phone calls, messages unanswered and none given it was unlike of Yuuri to be late and say nothing. And even Victor indeed the most extra man he knew next to Chris, he would never dare to be late for over an hour.

 

 

 

By the time eight thirty rolled around, Phichit and the others were growing anxious and hungry, aside from Yuri who was already fuming in hunger and brooding about the remaining two still not there.

 

 

 

 

Then a phone call came. Yuri, too angry to notice the call ID with no second thoughts answered.

 

 

 

“Victor fucking Nikiforov I swear to god, If you-“ Phichit noticed Yuri’s face turn into a completely different expression that was now casting an unreadable look on his face, turned around away from the curious looks from the other guests had his voice quieted into murmurs.  By the time Phichit had gotten to Yuri, the conversation had ended and Yuri turned to him. But Phichit already knew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

….

_Breaking News:_

 

 

 

 

_Olympic figure skating champions Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov involved in a car accident._

 

 

_At 7:48 pm tonight, Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov were involved in fatal car accident with them speeding ahead into the two-way tunnel road. The other person involved in the car accident was a truck driver who was over-taking inside the two-way tunnel when it had then collided with the two skater’s vehicle crashing head on._

 

 

 

_A witness of the accident immediately then called for emergency where then the vehicles of both parties where set to aflame with the parts discarded all over the road. Causing medium traffic in and out of the tunnel. The traffic has been directing to other possible routes to and from the city. Also for the betterment of investigation and accident clean up operations of the police. Victims of the accident including the truck driver were rushed to the hospital at 7:58 pm exactly ten minutes after the accident._

 

 

_The truck driver, Marlow Matthews as of age thirty-seven was pronounced dead on arrival in the emergency room. Medical report says that he had suffered from internal bleeding from his head and had multiply injuries all around including a broken leg and collapsed lung. His family has been contacted and now on their way to the hospital._

 

 

_Victor Nikiforov, age thirty-six was rushed to the emergency room and was given first aid before surgery. Having been suffering from trauma, and internal bleeding near his lungs much less severe than Yuuri Katsuki’s injuries who—_

 

 

 

 

Turning off the television, he silently took his coat from the rack and ran to his car as fast as he could.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…

The first thing Yuuri saw was Victor. In his white turtle neck and black coat wearing an expressionless face in the middle of the tunnel road staring in to the way out. Multiple orbs of colorful light surrounding them and what seemed the most odd was the blinding light on the way out of the dark tunnel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weird he thought.  Weren’t they just involved in an accident here? Yuuri could recall what had happened before. From the moment the truck came out of nowhere colliding with their own car then—

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What happened?

 

 

 

 

 

It was like a pin just dropped at an empty room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Huh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He looked at his hand, the wedding ring still shining even with the scratch marks. Saw how luminous and almost glowing his skin was. Ethereal.

 

 

 

 

 

Yuuri looked at Victor again. No scratch marks nor blood and nothing like luminosity coming from Victor’s skin. That was good. He was okay. That was enough for Yuuri to make himself sigh in relief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri never actually thought of life and death. He couldn’t be blamed after all, he was young and he had a lot to go before anything remarkably permanent such as dying would happen.

 

 

 

But life and death on his friends and to whom he considered secretly as family? He never dared. Being to afraid of thinking it too much and what might others think of him being soft and emotional different from what his friends knew.

 

 

It was a rude awakening to say the least. What he thought of was people crying their balls out and feelings and such was a far cry from reality.

 

 

Instead what he saw was just Phichit, Chris and Mila. All stoic and unmoving from their seats waiting for the red light to turn off and await anyone who came out for some good news. Well, all good they hoped.

 

 

It was nearing half past three in the morning when a nurse finally came out of the surgical ward and promptly told them that Victor was okay. That he is now being moved into the ICU but still in a coma as to be expected of a trauma patient.

 

 

 

He’s going to be okay.

 

All good news they hoped. Now that heavy tension in the atmosphere was slowly coming to a fade, Yuri now more than ever would never want to think about life and death. Ever.

 

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Victor was okay. His husband is going to be okay. Yuuri couldn’t thank anyone enough for the blessing. All Victor had to do was wake up.

 

 

 

 

“You have to wake up.”

 

 

 

 

“Please.”

 

 

 

 

And in that tunnel, Victor still standing and staring into the light, Yuuri knew what was going on Victor’s head then.

 

 

 

 

 

“Vitya, no.”

 

 

 

“wake up Vitya. Please. You have to try.”

 

 

 

 

 

“The doctor said you’re going to be alright”

 

 

 

 

 

“So please Victor wake up”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“V-Vitya?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Victor never did what he was told. But for once Yuuri wished he did. Victor had to wake up. There was no other choice.

 

 

 

 

And god it’d hurt him if he did but it would be for the best. Because if he woke up, he wouldn’t see him again.

 

 

 

 

 

But again, it was for the best.

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri sat in the chair beside Victor’s bed as he watched Victor’s solemn face, breathing in and out right into the beat of the monitor. The others had visited a few hours ago with heavy smiles and tired swollen eyes, each person heavier and more tired than the other.

 

 

 

 

 

Like a dam breaking, Yuri could flood a city with his emotions and tears. He had his eyes brimmed with tears

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri kicking the foot of Victor’s bed, said

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Old man you need to wake up so I can scold you about your driving skills. You even made me miss my dinner stupid”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’ve already lost one of you. So don’t leave. Please.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why was everything so dark? Yuri thought.

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has been roughly six days since the accident. With the others on watch of any signs of Victor waking up since he was transferred to the ICU.

 

 

Yuri and the others have been going in and out of the hospital taking turns in visiting Victor.

Tonight was apparently, Yuri’s turn.

 

 

 

 

Yuri stood in the door way, for once silent. Steps heavy and tired bringing himself to sit beside Victor.

 

“I’m sorry Victor. We couldn’t keep him long. I told them you would’ve wanted to be there for the burial. But the pig’s parents couldn’t wait that long, they had to return to Japan soon.”

 

 

 

 

Silence was deafening. Even the constant beat of the monitor was not enough to suffice the deafening silence in the room. Yuri knew Victor was here, and yet it seemed he wasn’t. He wasn’t used to Victor being silent.

 

 

 

But Victor was fighting a battle. Yuri thought what would Victor think if he woke up, would’ve he think of it as a win or a loss? With Yuuri being gone, the latter probably being the answer.

 

 

 

 

Yuri suddenly felt cold.

 

 

 

 

 

Please wake up. He thought.

 

….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuuri knew he can’t stay for long. Sometime now, he’d have to go.

 

 

He was still with Victor even in spirit. Even in death. No matter the circumstances.

 

 

 

 

Yuuri remembered then and there, the vows they shared.

 

 

 

 

“Even in death, may we never part.

 My love, be with me for as long as we both shall need.”

 

 

 

 

Yuuri smiled to himself. A reminder that he had to try for him.

 

 

 

He approached Victor still standing looking curiously at the end of the tunnel.  Smiling sadly, faced him. Faces inches from other, Yuuri tiptoed and kissed Victor’s forehead.

With a single tear on his eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Victor blinked. Seeing for once Yuuri.

 

 

 

 

“Lyubov moya, why are you crying?” Victor smiled sadly, holding his arms.

 

 

 

 

 

Yuuri only smiled and shook his head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I love you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I love you too.” Victor replied instantly. Like his favorite song he sang. It came in naturally for him to say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With tears on Yuuri’s eyes and the saddest of smiles. Because it was time he thought. For him. I’m sorry for leaving you he thought. It wasn’t suppose to be like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Then wake up Vitya.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“huh?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was time.

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

Yuri fell asleep beside Victor. For once giving in to his tired self, of now marking it as ten days of waking up in the middle of the night after a dreamless sleep. Thinking of how the past few days changed his life so much. Only then in those times finally sinking in that Yuuri had passed away. Of now who was once there, just gone the next.

 

 

Feeling a slight touch from his head, Yuri grumbled awake.  Seeing Victor looking at him with eyes brimmed with tears. Yuri’s tears that couldn’t be help spilling, screamed for the doctors to anyone that his friend was awake.

 

 

 

 

It was around the early evenings of Tuesday when a split second was the most important thing that happened to the both of them.

 

 

 

 

Then Victor woke up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first thing Victor thought of was Yuuri.

 

Yuuri who was gone.

 

 

His heart so hallow, aching for his person.

 

 

Is it possible to die of a broken heart? He thought.

 

 

Yuri came back a few moments later after the doctor had examined his condition holding out an envelope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like an unspoken conversation he knew what it was.

 

 

 

He saw it being written by Yuuri long before. Back when they were still in Hasetsu after their first Grand Prix as student and coach. With an outstretched hand, he took the letter. Yuri leaving the room for some privacy.

 

 

At the back of the envelope it read:

  

_To my dearest Victor. My presence is never a measure of my love for you. It is unbound to such physical things. I am always with you._

 

 

Victor was shaking. Too scared to open it. But with a heavy heart, he prepared himself for what was inside. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Vitya,_

_If you’re reading this, then the inevitable has happened._

_I’m sorry for leaving you so suddenly Vitya._

_Remember that I am with you. Remember what I swore to you._

“ _our love shall be more than presence, but in mind, and soul._

_Up until the next life we shall meet and begin again.”_

_This is not the end. I won’t say goodbye yet because even in spirit,_

_You are still my all._

_Don’t blame yourself to any of this. No one is at fault._

_Don’t mourn too much that grieving may eat you alive._

_But live your remaining days with a loving heart and a genuine smile._

_Thank you for being with me._

_For seeing me when no did._

_For believing in me when everyone doubted._

_For when I was too scared, you were there to soothe me._

_Thank you for the wonderful journey lyubov moya._

_Never forget to take care of yourself._

_That my heart will always be with you._

_Keep your heart shaped smiles on_

_Remember to be happy._

_Remember that this is not the end._

_That in the next life, we’ll have enough time._

_I promise._

_I love you. Always._

 

_-Yuuri_

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you guys think! :)  
> Any opinions on what to improve and such will be much appreciated.


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